I have to stick that where?

Today is not a good day and it should be. It's day 9 of my cycle and we have begun the IUI treatments. I went to get my blood work and ultrasound today...they seen one follicle which is great! I will have to go back in on Monday for a follow up u/s and more blood work to see where it's at. Great more blood work! I don't mind doing blood work, but when you literally get repeatedly poked over and over in the same sitting.... Your nerves get a little shot! See the aftermath below:

It's even worse in person! I work with the public so I have to cover my arm up to avoid questions. People may think I'm getting abused!! Thankfully the nurse taking my blood has found another spot to draw from (you know... The normal one in the crook of your elbow). And she has been getting it with one try. Thankfully! With all this anxiety building I kept thinking to myself, I have been unusually calm through out all of this! 

I spoke too soon.....

Today she showed me how to administer medication to myself via a syringe, AKA a needle, AKA death pin, AKA wtf I have to stab myself with that?!?!?!!?? My head was spinning as she told me all the instructions on how to use this magical "epi-like pen". She even had me practice on a soft sponge like cube for practice. I was like Jekyll and Hyde! I can do this, I got this, vs. they ain't no way this girls gonna be able to poke herself!! 

The drive home was an interesting one. I left feeling alright...but by the time I got home, I felt this heavy weight on my chest.... I went up to my room and couldn't hold back any longer. The short heavy breathing started, the weight on my chest got heavier and felt like it was depriving me of air and then, the tears came. Have I ever mentioned how much I love having anxiety attacks?? The last time I had one I was on vacation, in the middle of the ocean with my husband snorkelling. SNORKELLING!! I was having fun, relaxed, enjoying the sun and the sights...but as soon as my face went into that water...PANIC AT THE OCEAN DISCO!!!!!! I was hyper ventilating and my poor husband was sitting on the paddle boat we took out trying to calm me down and tell me I was fine. And what did I start to do? Laugh. I couldn't understand why I my brain was doing this (at the time I wasn't officially diagnosed with PCOS ...but I had a feeling that I had it) but some how I manged to get a hold of myself and some what enjoy the rest of the ocean bottom view. 

Not all women that have PCOS, get anxiety... As stated in a previous post, there are many symptoms to it. Everyone of us is unique to what we have and to what level we have it to. It's just the start to understanding how this syndrome really works. 

After a good cry, the release of tightness from my chest was very welcoming. The thought of injecting myself with that death pin was still bothering me, but to avoid another downward spiral, I kept busy in my craft room. Maybe my husband could do it for me!?!?!? LOL!!! Who am I kidding... he would probably enjoy it with all the shenanigans I've put him through over the years! 

Next post... What not to do when you give yourself a needle! 

September is PCOS awareness Month!

It's September 1 and its PCOS awareness month! And I thought that I would open the floor to you guys to answer any questions you may have. Feel free to email me directly at nine.month.lease@gmail.com and I will post your questions along with answers in my next post! Anything that you may want to know about PCOS, or anything I have previously posted regarding it, is open for discussion!  I will try to answer every question as best as I can! 

In the mean time, check out these blogs and websites for further information!

http://www.pcosaa.org/

http://www.pcosdiva.com/

http://pcosfoundation.org/

www.pearlsfilm.webs.com

Royal Baby Fever!

William and Kate are all the media seem to be talking about these days. With good cause, there is a royal baby on the way! Articles stemming from where she will have the baby, when her due date is, memorabilia being sold... How much it will generate the United Kingdom economy, what title they will give the child...and what they will choose to name the prince or princess.

I personally think they will name the baby a classic, traditional, sounding name such as Alexander, Margaret, and will shorten the name in every day life as theirs have been to Alex or Maggie. Names are such a hard thing to choose for a baby. I mean really, why can't babies just come with a birth certificate like the cabbage patch dolls did? That would be so much easier!! One of the characters in Mad Men name their child Eugene. Eugene. Okay... It was about 1962..... But really Eugene? That is a hard name to live with. And such a "grown up" name for a baby.  But I also feel a similar way about the name Molly. I love that name.... But every time I think of it.... I think of a cute little girl.... Not an adult. 

My husband and I have talked a lot about names. What we like and don't like. And we have a list of a few names we like. We have incorporated names that are in our own culture and background ....or names that have special meaning to us for one reason or another. I fear that when our child is born, I will have a Molly or Eugene moment....I pray I won't as I love the names we have picked out! 

My husband really wants a daughter ... Which is surprising as males usually want a boy. So we made a deal, he can pick the girls names and I can pick the boys names.....but we both must agree on the name....you know in case we grew up with a kid that had that name they were a bully or something. 

The list so far is as follows: 

GIRLS                                               BOYS

Hannah (Hanah, Hana)                     Thatcher

Isabel                                                 Ben (Benett or Benjamin)

Bryce                                                 James

Quinn

These are the current names we both like. They are not concrete, but they are the highest contenders! We like names that are known but not necessarily the most popular name out there. We have awhile to wait and see what we have but Kate and Wills do not! What do you think they will name the baby? Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?

First comes love, then comes marriage....

Growing up, I always thought about meeting that special someone and getting married. I would pull the flat sheet from my bed and tuck it into my pony tail and pretend that I was a bride with a really long veil/train....walking around my room pretending to marry different boys in my class (whom ever I had a crush on at that time). No offense to Greg, Scott, or any of the actual boys I later dated as a teenager, but I found my husband after high school when I was in my 20's, and I would never want anyone else. Unless he's Ryan Gosling...... ALWAYS PICK G-DAWG!

         Photo from: http://www.beautyandthegroom.com/children-presence-at-the-wedding

I was taught at a young age that I was to grow up, get married, have babies, clean the house, take care of my husband and make sure dinner is on the table for when he gets home. I come from an old school European home were generations of women before me have followed this and even perfected that life. My paternal grandmother was an amazing cook. My father, who was the youngest, still remembers her being able to cook anything given to her and make it taste so wonderful (including whale! YUCK!). Keep in mind, this was at a time when food was being rationed because of the WWII. My paternal grandfather passed away when my father was 9 and she was left to raise her children on her own and though she struggled trying to raise them ...she still managed to keep a roof over their heads and food in there bellies. Even though I didn't get to met her as she passed away before my father even got married, I've always felt connected to her. Not only is she the only one in the family that I look like, (I seriously thought I was the FEDEX kid for most of my childhood!) but I have always had a love for food and cooking that I think may have been passed onto me from her. It was not until recently that I learned she was a wiz around the kitchen, and I doubt that I will ever be as good as her. But I sure can make a mean meal following a recipe!!! :D

As a kid, my mother was always a stickler for making sure the house was spotless. She was a clean freak! Everything had a place. I was her messy child (no doubt, I inherited that gene from my father). I wasn't dirty, but I didn't like to make my bed, clean up my toys or books, especially in my room. As I got older, I did get better. But I also learned that keeping and impeccably clean house didn't necessarily mean a happy house.  Currently, my house is tidy....but I'm sure I have some cobwebs I haven't swept away, clean laundry that needs to be put away, or breakfast dishes in the sink. But I do try. As long as you don't look in my craft room.....never look in the craft room!!!

In my middle school and high school years I started to see that being a female did not mean that I couldn't have a career. But if I wanted both, I was going to have to work hard. I was fortunate enough that even though I attended an inner-city school, I had AMAZING educators that gave us the proper tools and helped us become integral, upstanding, contributing citizens to society. Many of us looked up to them; many of us wanted to be them. A lot of us ended up going on to be teachers, nurses, entrepreneurs, skilled workers, police officers - successful in our chosen career path. I always wanted to be a teacher or a nurse. And though obstacles prevented my intentions.... I knew I always wanted to be a mom. And unless I really did get to marry Ryan Gosling (maybe he can be my trophy husband) ... being a homemaker in this lifetime is gonna be tough!

My husband is a wonderful, caring, understanding, kind, and forgiving man. We have had a hard and tough relationship do to unforeseen circumstances completely out of our control, nor inflicted by each other. But loving him is easy. I don't know about other couples who have been married for 20, 50, or even 70 years that can say that they had as rough of a time in their entire marriage as we have in the first 10 years of our relationship. But to have that plus be delivered such a blow 5 years into our marriage that it will be hard - maybe even near impossible to have children....made me angry.

I went through the motions..... denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Acceptance didn't come until MUCH later.....I don't have PCOS. I'll just go on with my life, lose a bit of weight and everything will be fine.  I didn't want to have PCOS! Why after everything that I had been through in my life was I to be cursed with it?!?! When every other female around me blinked and got pregnant. They didn't have to worry about what they ate and never gained a pound. Didn't have to go through doctor after doctor poking prodding at her like a lab rat. Okay god, c'mon, just please let me get pregnant....just once. With twins and I'll be done. I promise I'll be really good ...just one time and I won't bother you again.

And then it got really bad. I didn't want to be around anyone. I stopped taking any form of medication I was prescribed (Hormones and Metformin). I stopped caring about what I ate. I just ate whatever was around. I would go to work...come home and park myself in front of my computer. I would surf online for hours until bedtime... make my way to bed...toss and turn all night... get up after another sleepless night...push myself through the day and repeat it all over again. It didn't help that at the time I had a pretty stressful job do to the clientele that came in. They just fed my anger and dug the depression hole deeper. My husband didn't know what to do. We barley spoke to each other. And when we did... it made things worse. He wanted to pull me out of the funk....and I just wanted to be left alone. We argued about children, about possible adoption, about the bills, about money. Everything just seemed to be piling up. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. Everything I ever wanted...truly, never turned out. Why would I want to go on? I had nothing...where was my purpose? Where was my place in this world? Why did I not just become a working woman, a nomad, a gypsy? Instead I'm living a life of heartache and disappointment.

I thought about leaving....a lot. We weren't "us" anymore. I felt that we were on different sides of the playing field and we couldn't come together. I especially felt guilty that I couldn't give him a child. I knew I was pushing him away from me because I wanted him to find someone who could give him a baby. Someone who was better for him. A women who would treat him better. Who would take care of him and the family they made together.

I tried to push myself out of my funk, tried to spend time with friends.... but when a lot of my friends were starting to have babies.... the majority of the events we attended, were baby showers. Pretty much the last place I wanted or needed to be. To be asked... when are you guys gonna have babies?? Or being nudged by one of the ladies followed by a "you're next" was not what I was needing at that moment. I would always have anxiety leading up to the day of the party. Literally calming and coaching myself in the car on the way there. Wondering how I would handle these different types of situations....making sure to smile and stay calm....give a generic "Not yet" or "maybe soon" response to everyone who would ask.  Don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy for my girlfriends. I love their kids and play with them every chance I get. But when you are that depressed, that separated from the core of who you really are, you are just trying to hold the pieces together with water.  

Acceptance came when I realized that I needed to change. Without it, I knew that I was going down this dark road alone... a road that I had been down before, and it was not a pleasant one. I knew I needed to switch gears, do something different as what I was doing was not getting me anywhere. I needed to get myself to a doctor that could help me with conceiving and not just give me some pills and hope for the best. I needed someone to guide me on this course of living with PCOS. I needed direction. I needed to feel like myself again.

So I started to eat better. I started to spend quality time with my friends again. I started to take my medication. I sought out a new doctor to help with my fertility struggles. I went to my Naturopath to direct me into a healthier eating pattern with my PCOS in mind. I made more time for myself. Time to de-stress from life. I started to read again..... listen to music (one of my passions in life). Slowly I became me again.  I could see the person I am looking forward to growing into.  I have seen things from a different side. I became more open, less judgmental, more comfortable in my life and the path that I was taking. I came to a realization that I cannot let PCOS run my life. I know the symptoms I have because of it need to be controlled. And I can see the signs of them (depression, mood swings, hormonal shifts, anxiety) when they approach. And when they do, I need to take action immediately.

So I'm keeping positive and focused on the goal. Everyday is a winding road.....Everyday is a battle. 

This is my Waterloo.

Keep calm......Feeling Positive

Woke up the other day feeling good. A little crampy as I had a feeling my aunt flow was coming for a visit but good besides that! Most women cringe at the the thought of that monthly visit but I welcomed her with open arms as it has been since September 2012 since she decided to make an appearance! Over 270 days! Which becomes an issue for women of my age (32) as I should be getting regular periods. One of the lovely side effects of PCOS! So I was excited as it was the day I was to meet Dr. B for the first time and though I had never heard of this fertility place before, I was optimistic!

When I arrived I met a nice lady by the name of Deanna who is the nurse coordinator. She took down my information and we chatted a bit before I met with Dr. B. the meeting with him went well. Everything is as expected... Conversations about clomid, letrizole, HCG shots....progressing into IUI and IVF ... seems that most of the procedures including blood work is done on site. GREAT! Finally... A place close to home where I don't have to travel an hour for testing and and needle prodding! He seemed very to the point... Neutral, but very informative. I will be going back in a few weeks to get blood work done (their machine is not set up yet) and get the ball rolling! We will discuss the results and figure out the best form of treatment going forward at that point. 

I'm feeling positive..optimistic... Something I haven't felt in awhile. The other times with Dr. R and Dr. H....I only felt neutral, never sure if things were going to work out. But this time I feel more together. Maybe because I feel healthier, clear on the game plan. I even had a dream that I had a baby girl and she had LOTS of hair on her head! So much so that I could put a barrette in it! I NEVER dream those types of things... Maybe because my mind wanted to protect me from possible disappointment .... But I think now I am at a point of not dwelling so much on the "it's probably not going to happen" to... "Keep calm.. You will be a mom" :) 

Some one pass the bucket...

Remember when I said the more anxious I get the more I need to pee..... Well now I'm at the point that I want to puke. Damn Nerves!!

Tomorrow I go and see the new doctor.... Dr. B. He is a fertility specialist who has had his own practice in northern Ontario for over 15 years. Recently he has come down to my neck of the woods as there has been a calling for fertility doctors in my area. Most of the women I know have been traveling to "the big city" or surrounding ones for fertility treatments. Not handy when there are times where you need to be in the office every day with monitoring your cycles, ultrasounds, blood work etc. It's sad that I say women ..... It seems that about 25% of the women that I know are struggling with fertility. Regardless if it's their first time up to bat, second, or third. It seems that things have changed a lot in the past 60 years. I personally think part of the problem is our environment and our food. Genetically modified this, enhanced with "natural sugar" that..... When did this become the norm? Where did eating from the earth become passé ?

I grew up in a home where we ate whatever was put in front of you. Feast or famine... Our choice. But the food was always quality, healthy, nutritious food! A variety of colourful vegetables and fruits. With the occasional ice cream, or salt and vinegar chips. That was literally once and a blue moon. So I'm trying to resort back to that way of eating ...more cleanly.

I went to visit a Naturopath a few weeks ago. It was finally refreshing to hear someone who knew about PCOS and how to deal with it. I really needed to know what I should and shouldn't be eating. How to lose weight (because everything I was doing wasn't working!). Women with PCOS who have weight issues tend to find it extremely hard to lose it. Not only are we dealing with an androgenic body, we are dealing with insulin resistance. Two big things that hinder weight loss unless they are controlled by diet, exercise and medication. She has helped me hone into a "diet" called Paleo (Primal). I say "diet" because really, it's not that, it's a lifestyle change. This paleo lifestyle is hard... and expensive. It's delicious don't get me wrong... But I didn't think it was going to be as challenging as it has been. But, I feel so much better and I am losing weight bit by bit. So I think I'm going to stick with it. I feel that my PCOS symptoms will subside or dull in time if I stick with it.

Now to try to incorporate yoga into the equation again! Gotta control the anxiety! Ommmmmm...................

New Referral!!

I decided that it was time to go for a physical. I had not gone in years and with concentrating so much on the fertility side of things, I had to make sure my ticker and breathing apparatuses where still in good working order!! LOL!

I made an appointment with Dr. G for the end of April and everything went well! I talked to him about getting a referral to another OBGYN as we where ready to move forward with starting down the IUI road. Along with that, I recently decided to go to a Naturopath to help with my PCOS, and with losing weight. So I have that piece of the puzzle covered. Dr. G sent one over to a Fertility Clinic north of "the big city". I had heard many great things about this place as well as I had a few people that I knew that worked in the adjoining hospital they are associated with. An added bonus to the hospital is they have Midwives. YES!! Perfect! Exactly what I wanted! The yucky part..... it's about 45mins away. The second bad part.... though I did get an appointment with Dr. V of the Fertility Clinic, it was booked for November 19...a six month wait.

Well, I took it.... and put myself on the list for any cancellations that may appear. I knew that he's popular do to the fact that he has a high success rate so I was willing to wait.

A few weeks later, I was at work and a fax came across my desk regarding a new fertility clinic in the city next to mine!!!  This had to be a sign!! I immediately faxed over the info to my doctors office and asked them what they thought about this new clinic and the doctor (Dr. B) and if I could get a referral to the office. The receptionist from Dr. G's office called to tell me that they sent over the referral to them and they would be contacting me with an appointment. She suggested I keep my appointment with Dr. V just in case things don't pan out. Good thinking! The next day I got a call from "next door Fertility Clinic" for an appointment for the following Friday at 10!!! I took it!!! I am excited! I did some research into Dr. B.... and I feel confident in his abilities. I am excited to hear what his method and ideas are when it comes to treatment! Stay tuned!